A Long, Long Time...

Hey.

So it's been a long time since I really talked to you.
I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being myself. I'm sorry for just being a complete jerk.
I haven't grown like I said I would. I haven't stopped doing things like I said I would.
I am forgiven, but I am still lost. Where am I?
Who am I?
Who was I?
Where will I be after it's all over?
All I know is that I'm back. I'm back for good.

I can never leave the one, true, and holy thing that makes my life what it is today.
You are my legend.
You are my hero.
You are my hollywood.
You are my ghost.
You are my being.
You are me.
I am You.
And I will show them US

im not begging, im just on my knees not saying a word...

I wish you'd say "please don't leave me"


life's hell.

sometimes.


God makes realize what hell is sometimes so we won't want to be there in the afterlife. God portrays the feeling of hell in our hearts, minds, and souls. He shows what hell can look like and shows us how it feels. Fear is not a reason why we love God, but God made the Israelites fear Him because they were so stubborn in the Bible.

We fall in love with God because what He does for us is for the best. What we may think is the best could not be at all the best according to God. And what I've realized is that people will say this is good for you, or this WILL be good for you in the long run. And I want to say to them "Thanks, it hurts, but thanks!" And now I know that God is the only one who knows what is good for us. He will make the decisions. He wants us to experience everything so we can grow stronger by having faith in him through all of it. Having faith in Him will guide us through our hell's that come in and out of our lives. We must ask Him for guidance and ask Him for the help. We rely on friends to do that and yes, they're great, but it is God that we must give the glory. We thank God for using our friends and thank our friends for letting God use them.

I recently have been sitting on the porch, waiting for Him, and I must seek Him. I cannot wait for God to say "Okay, time to be a Christian". The time is here, the time is now.

i've fallen in love with God

I'm excited to see what comes next. I am in a hell right now, but I know He'll save the day. I'm looking to the sky and not at the ground. God is our captain, and God knows the seas better than we. He knows all. He knows how we feel and knows what we're in search for. We are loved by Him. We are His ship. We are His crew. We are the ones who must follow Him.

the dead are dancing with the dead.

God is love and love is real

mewithoutYou somehow puts things into perspective.

God, i want to lose myself in You.

i feel these days we're pushing God more and more out of our lives. my friends and i have witnessed that the younger generations are wearing 30 dollar shirts that cover half their body and yet, our parents and their parents are upset that teenagers are engaging in sex. honestly, what do you expect to happen? instead of praying to God or teaching the youth about God's ruling on that, we look to our oprahs and dr. phils. what do they do? tell us that it's just a phase and here, buy my book and it'll explain everything, but i tend to repeat the same sentence just in different ways. where in all of this does God come in?

the war still battles on in iraq and the other countries in the middle east. we ask for the troops to come home. who do we ask? we ask people who don't have the ability. sure, we ask bush, but of course he'll say like a parent to a child about an expensive toy "we'll get it next time. promise". we're not asking God to please help our troops finish the job and get out of there quicker. we're causing more destruction than construction. and they say, why doesn't God care about my soldier, when they won't even pray to their God to bring him/her home.

the schools banned prayer in school. God is not to be discussed in school. in history books, the history of Jesus is taken out. religion is not to be spoken of. instead of prayer in schools, there's more cursing and violence in schools. and the teachers, parents, and students who care ask where is God in all this?

it seems to be the question today is "why does God not care about america?". i tell you, friends, that God is watching because you told Him to. He will do whatever's best for you if you ask, BUT you must love Him and praise Him and not just expect favors to be done by Him and then you don't need Him anymore. it doesn't work like that. God is doing exactly what the people have told Him to do... stay out.

it's time for God to come back...
bring Him back...

Confessions of An Ugly Duckling

When I met this person, I expected a hang out one time and an occasional hi on AIM and an occasional conversation, but no, instead God gave me someone that turned my world around. My world has never been the same. I'm so interested in how I'm going to be when I get back to Winthrop. I'm excited to come back and see her. I'm excited to do all these things. I'm ready for whatever comes, because last year was a year of confusion and I had no clue as to who I was. I am found now. My old friends have found me, and new ones have discovered me. It's incredible.

I'm glad that I've changed. Change is good sometimes and sometimes it may seem bad, but it turns out good. I've come to terms that no matter what, I'm not going to please everyone. I am a people pleaser yes and when it comes to my music that's a good thing I guess. But, in life you can't be the people pleaser, you have to be the self pleaser as well as the people pleaser. I had been miserable dealing with this, but I couldn't keep it up so I had to be the self pleaser. I couldn't depress myself to make other people happier. Because in the long run, I would have made everyone upset with me.

So let me focus on this.
YOU.
You're the greatest person ever. Your phrases make me smile. Your just unexplainable. I couldn't put in words how amazing you are and how much I've changed being around you. I'm just happy around you. I'm never sad. I wish I could give you so much more than I actually have. I've been so short with you. I'm never up to par and I want to be the biggest person to you. You're just... great. :]

quack.

Why I Am Who I Am...and Where I Am and Where Am I Going To Be?

You constantly tell me how much I need to be different.
Set myself apart from the others around me.
Me why does it have to be me?
On top of that, you give me this.
Fire some sort of power upon me.


Where am I going? What am I doing with my life? ... What does it all mean stage, you got it.

I feel like I let people down way too much. I am a people pleaser. I try my best to make everyone happy. I try so hard and I can't tell people the way I really feel inside. I don't want to hurt them, but I also want them to know the truth. There are thing I wish I could say to certain people that if I did say to them they might go crazy. The persons I'm talking about are already crazy when it comes to emotions and the way they feel, but I seriously just want to scream it to them.

A more descriptive letter to someone.

You make me forget that I'm even alive. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I feel myself around you. I feel like I am seriously not on planet Earth anymore. Our conversations can go from deep to just plain weird and funny so quickly and thats the way I am and I love how it doesn't bother you at all. Sometimes I feel like that guy in that movie, you know the one, where the guy owns a record shop and he's got that music thing that wasn't even supposed to happen. My thing wasn't even supposed to happen, but for some reason, and yes, for some reason, you inspired me to do it. I think it was because of all things I'm getting into now, but you were a spark somewhere in there. I am thankful for every molecule of you. ... I just sounded smart ... but I am. Thanks for everything. Quack.

You Can't Waddle Like Me!

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
-colin hay-
-i just don't think i'll get over you-
-garden state-


It's been an eventful past couple days/weeks. I'm happy and content with my life. I can say now that I am fully indie....I think. I still do a few emo things like never tell people what I'm really upset over or whatever. Anyways.

God.
God has been amazing. He's put people in my life these past few days that have helped me open doors I couldn't do on my own. I'm wanting to get more involved in the Bible like I used to, and more involved with Christians in Lexington. I've found my place though. What's funny is that I would have met all the people I know just a couple years ago and a lot of things could be different, but I know God made it happen this way for a reason.

I'm enjoying my life these days and I'm loving the people I'm with... here's the top people in a number sense. Like I'll say the number 1 person right now = blah blah... kay? go.

1. You're incredible. An amazing person and really have helped me in my Christian walk. I love talking to you and I mean just talking. It's never boring with you. Thanks for being super-crazy-raddd.
2. I enjoy our random breakfast runs and going to video game shops. Talking to you is great. Just about life and everything. I missed you during the school year but you were always there if I needed you. Thanks.
3. You're a great friend. Always there to help me and my emo problems although I tell you I have none. I can't wait to get back to hanging out with you at WU. I miss you.
4. You always keep me looking to the bright side of things. You never let me down and even when you think you do, you don't. You're a great friend and I am also excited to see you at WU.
5. People get the wrong side of you sometimes and I wish they didn't. You're a great person and have a great personality. You're fun to be around and I wouldn't change anything about you. Can't wait to get back to hanging out with you.

If It's Love You Want, It's Hate You'll Get

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The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

When is it that God comes in your life? I feel like I've been asking to take this situation away or make it go the way I want it to, but neither has happened. I open my mind and heart to Him and I say "Take it from me, do what You want", but I feel like He's not doing anything. My question is does God work right then and there or does He wait and say hold on, josh, let me think about this one. it just makes me mad because i want this either to end, or begin, or be erased from my mind. I don't want any memory of it or i want all of it... im screwed.

it just seems like God put me on hold and I KNOW He doesn't do that, but it feels that way.

I'm kinda ticked at my mom at the moment. She always says my music career won't ever take off and I won't really amount up to it with a guitar in my hand. It's not that I believe I'll make it onto a big record label, but it's the fact that it's like she doesn't care about my dream. I'm not wanting to get onto some big record label. I just want to record my songs, give them to people, and play shows. THAT'S IT.

anyways ... im excited i have 3 full songs done with no kinks to work out. thats about it. im done for tonight.

Am I an Atheist?

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Don't tell me you're done for
Don't need to hear you're done for
You can tell me what you were running from
I need you more than you need you
I can see you're really really running.
May I ask you where you gonna run to?
And you think you're living as a ghost now.
Not quite heaven's ugly angel.
We all feel like we're breaking sometime.
I won't let you go tonight.







I was listening to Elevation's podcast since I can't be there every weekend worshiping Jesus and he was answering questions from members and people that send him e-mails.

One, I can't even remember what it was, but he said "If you are not living like there is a God, and you say there is a God... then, YOU are a functional Atheist." I began to think this over and I related it to my life. Do I really live like an Atheist or am I living like there is a God? When people ask, I don't deny Him, but then again I don't go off saying how much I love Him and how much I value Him in my life. I just don't know what I am.

Also, I did nothing today. I'm doing everything that I think I should've done during the day, NOW. I feel lazy, but I don't care.

I really don't understand what is going with this one situation in my life. I really want it to go away. I don't want to remember this person, I don't want them to talk to me any more. I don't want to hear about them, I don't want to see them... I just really don't know if I can handle this much more without screaming my lungs out.

the dead are dancing with the dead

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why won't this go away? i've told the truth, but it just wont go through their head. i mean honestly i can't do it anymore and it's been way too long and i don't want to go through with it anymore. i want to move on from this and start a new chapter.

in other news, i begin my work on my EP next week with brandon. should be a load of fu and i can hardly wait.

Sweet Thursday...even though it's Saturday.

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Again, it's been a while since I've been on this thing and written something. Things have been changing a lot lately. I'm not worrying so much about things and if people really care what I do or not.

How that came about:
When I started Elevation Church, I wanted to people to know I had been changed, and now it's just, I don't have to feel obligated to tell people. If they wanna know they'll ask. If they don't then fine, they'll find out at some point or another. I'm okay with it and I'm sure God is too.

I've been hanging out with some cool cats lately, too, some I've just met and others I've know for about 5 years. There's this girl Courtney who's been pretty awesome to me lately... hasn't judged me, hasn't hated on me, just pretty awesome all around and very radddtastic. The Wired Bean/Watershed Books has become my escape to life and to reality. My music is evolving and I like the sound. My life is evolving and I like it. Whoever said evolution is impossible... I'm laughing hahahaha. See I laughed.

Although all this great stuff is occuring, I am losing a best friend very soon. The doctors have confirmed that she will be passing away shortly and it's taking it's toll on me. I'm dedicating a song to her on my E.P. that will hopefully be coming out at the end of July or mid-August.

That's my life as of now. Thanks for reading.

-[jwg]-